I have felt suicidal many times in my life, and in many ways its amazing I am still around. Since I was a child I have been prone to view the world and life in a very dark and cynical way. For me the way out have been to search for the splinters of the world that I appreciate and then hold on to them. I have been in groups on the internet for people that are anxious and depressed, I have seen many people there post their thoughts and concerns, and after a while I heard that some of them had taken their own lives.
Many of these, often young men and women, spend a lot of time listening to music about how life sucks and that nothing has any meaning. They listen to groups like radiohead and the smashing pumpkins that convey a worldview similar to their own. I remember how I used to listen to the song “a tout le monde” by Megadeth and fantasize about killing myself, and about how my community would react If I did. But there is some irony that many of these people who create this music are living very happy lives making money by telling people that life is not worth living.
Does life really suck?
The rants of the people in the internet groups I mentioned earlier, who later killed themselves, would often go something like this “my parents doesn’t care about me, I have no real friends, this whole world is false and filled with hypocrites and stupidity. There is no real meaning in life, no higher purpose, I don’t believe in heaven or hell, we are all just civilized monkeys on a dying planet floating around in a massive cold empty space. I have so much pain in my life and I just want it to go away. All my life people have been taking advantage of me, I don’t even have any love for myself, my life is useless, I am useless, and I just want to get out of this miserable existence as soon as possible”.
In response to these rants there were often well-meaning people (mostly women) who answered with things like “don’t worry things will get better, there are people who love you, I care about you, If you just hold on things will turn around. There are good things in this world like cute puppies, ice-cream, a beautiful sunset and most of all love”. For some people (mostly other women) this kind of response is enough, at least for a while. But for many, this kind of response is as untrue and false as they perceive the rest of the world around them to be, and I don’t blame them!
Maybe the world is not as black and white as you perceive it to be, but to say that world is just a place of roses and sunshine and that things will just work out by itself is a load of shit. I am not going to sugarcoat it like many others do, If you want to hear that sort of thing don’t read this, but If you want an honest reply and think you can take it, then read on.
The hard truth!
Maybe your parents really are assholes, that doesn’t mean that they don’t love you deep inside, but the truth is that some parents really are toxic to their children and to anyone else, maybe they were raised like that, or they are mentally disturbed, either way they are not very good people. This world IS full of hypocrites and stupid people that fuck everything up for millions of others. And most humans are like sheep just following the herd, there is a reason why this is a well used parable in the bible. Maybe we are alone in the universe, maybe there are no gods or spiritual truths to seek out, maybe all religious and spiritual people are just deluding themselves and this life here on earth is all there is.j
Life is fucking painful, for some of us its easier than others, but there is no way to totally avoid it, not for anyone, and for those who spend their life trying to avoid pain ironically often end up experiencing more of it than any other. Most people don’t give a shit about you!! Especially not people on Facebook whom you have never even met in real life. Most people are focused on them selves, and after that they care mostly about their immediate family and their closest friends, then they mostly pretend to care about the rest of the planet, just to gain praise from other people who also pretend to care.
Most things are not going to get better in time, sure If you are sad because you lost someone, this can be easier to bear with time. But no one is going to magically appear to turn your life around and give you all the answers, sure you can seek out help from someone with knowledge, a coach, a psychologist or a teacher. But at the end of the day, only you can take the necessary steps to make your life into something else, waiting doesn’t accomplish shit. You feel that you are useless because you have done a lot of stupid and destructive things in your life, or you feel like a shit because you haven’t done anything exceptional with your life. Maybe this is true, right now you don’t have a lot to show up for.
So what does all this mean? Should I kill myself?
So you realized that life is hard, the world is full of false people and false beliefs. No one, or very few people give a shit about you, you’ve lost faith in yourself and in the world. This is a state of nihilism, but If you studied Nietzsche you know that it doesn’t have to be the end of the line. Actually it is a great opportunity and can be a springboard to a life of immense power, personal conquest and profound experiences.
You don’t believe in the so called morality of your society, then fuck it, pursue another morality or create your own. You believe that the people in your life are full of shit, great! Then first work on becoming the man you want to be, then you seek out others like you and create your own community. You believe that organized religion is built on lies and self-deception, then seek out a spiritual path that you can believe in, or turn to philosophy like the stoics, read Seneca “on the shortness of life” or Nietzsches “Beyond good and evil”.
You don’t like who you are right now and you’re ashamed of your past, then get of your ass and start to work on creating a life you can be proud of, not for your parents, your friends or your society, but for you! According to your own standards. This require some introspection, to who’s ideals are you measuring your life? If you don’t respect those that have imposed their beliefs on you since you were a child, then why give a shit about them?
What life can be like when you pursue it with honesty, curiosity, courage and determination.
There is only one absolute certainty about life that I can tell you, it ends! Death is the only equality there is, everyone die, no matter If you are rich, famous or the fucking Pope. You know that you will die eventually, so what is the point of ending your life now? Why not use this possibility to experience as much as you can, test your boundaries, se how far you can go and see what you can accomplish. Investigate every possibility, every philosophy and every belief in front of you. Lift weights, read books, climb mountains, experience the adrenalin of being in a fight, the pleasures of women, create a peace of art, don’t care what anyone else think about, just try yourself and find out what you can do when you put your heart and soul into it.
You will experience set-backs, you will meet stupid and deceptive people, you will fail, some people will hate you and some will love you. But when you accomplish something great, created by your own efforts according to your own standards, you will experience an immense satisfaction. When you contemplate the mysteries of the life and the universe without blindly believing in other peoples stories and with an open mind, you will experience awe and curiosity. The kind of curiosity that you experienced as a child when everything felt new and full of possibilities. When you recognize that life is painful and you fight your way through the pain anyway, you will grow stronger and you will start believe in yourself and feel an urge of wanting to test yourself and to see how far you can go. Then at the end of your life when you feel the inevitable death approach, you will face it with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that you lived your life to the full.
What your life means to those who love or hate you.
Maybe you will have children, in that case you can make sure that they get the childhood that you would have wished for yourself and become a worthy role-model for them, so that they wont have to experience as much pain as you have. Maybe you have a few friends or a sibling that you care about, you know that you are going to die some day anyway, why not push through to minimize their suffering from loosing you? And know that If you and try to pursue a life of self-improvement you might actually find something worth living and fighting for, why not take the chance while you can?
Some people, mostly young, take their life because of bullying. Maybe because their tormentors find them weird or weak or just different. Well according to me, people who are weird are the most interesting, they are usually the ones who are able to think outside the box and create art, philosophy, adventures and new ways of living that is actually worth talking and reading about. And some of the weakest people are with time and effort able to become the strongest.
Why give narrow-minded insecure assholes the satisfaction of ending your life? Especially when most of these fuck-ups probably will end up living a mundane and meaningless existence. You can wave at them from your mountain-top when they are sawing away at their ordinary narrow 9-5 lives when you on the other hand stake out a life that only “normal people” dream about.
What If I don’t deserve to live?
Maybe you have done a lot of really bad stuff in your life, you have cheated people, stolen or abused people in some way. Well If you are able to stop acting in that way ,what is the use of ending your life? Isn’t it more meaningful to learn from your wrongdoings, change your ways and contribute something to the world? If you just end your life it have all been for nothing. If you look at history you will learn that its full of people that have done horrible things but turned their life around to become leaders of nations, prophets, entrepreneurs and so on. People who spent time in prison used their time incarcerated to get law degrees, to build an amazing physique and to write books. The only thing to stop you from living a valuable life from now on is death, so why opt out now?
Is suicide always wrong?
No I don’t believe it is, many people I admire have taken their own life, like Dominique Venner who killed himself in the Cathedral at Notre-Dame in Paris as a protest against the politics in France, Yukio Mishima who committed hara-kiri after a failed military-coup in Japan, and a more recent example Slobodan Praljak who after being sentenced to twenty years in prison, took his own life in court stating that he is not a war-criminal. But all of these men took their life after a lifetime of accomplishments, they did it to make a statement, and in some of these cases because they saw no other honorable way out. But to take your life, especially at a young age, before you have really tried with all you got to make something of yourself is just tragic and serves no higher purpose.
And at the same time that I admire these men I mentioned I can’t help to think, what If they hadn’t taken their own lives, what more could they have accomplished? That’s one of the problems with ending your life, it excludes all other possibilities.